the end of summer

in the beginning of the summer i felt like shit. now summer is almost over and lots of things happens... i can say i feel a bit better. but the fact that school is starting is scaring me so much. I feel like the start of school is the end of everything good in my life...
that is an exaggeration i guess..., but for the last few years everything as been so bad, that know when something good  happends it doesnt even feel real. im just so fucking scared

I try to help

i try to help. i feel like i'm not able to help myself, so i try to help other. i treat them like i wish they treated me. That was fine till I realized most of the time I wasn't being myself. i wasn't helping anyone doing this, specially not myself.. sometimes I think the people around me don't  know me at all, they say all this things about how I should act and behave but they know nothing! they jugged me for everything, and they have no idea know i fell and if they do, they don't care or just chose to ignore it because it's easier...

Decisions

I need to make a decision, a very important one. It's times like this that make me question if I know what I'm doing with my life. I've come to the conclusion that I don't. I know what I want to do in the future and how I to get there, but what I'm doing till I get there (if I get there) is a really big question.
I have to decide whether I take a year of to get my grades up, now. that would mean losing all my friends (that I honestly dont even know if they are "friends" for real) or if I do it next year.
I think a new star would be good but at the same time I'm afraid it's gonna be worst...
If anyone is reading this, please give your opinion xx

I'm not loving you

when people ask me if  I've ever been in love, I try to not answer the question. The answer is yes,I've been in love. The people that know about are  sick of hearing about it, and the ones how don't know about, I don't want them to know. The only time in my life I was in love I got extremity heart broken. I was in love with a Boy that was my best friend at the time, we had been  talked for over a year but we had never met in person. He was like my pillar, i could tell him everything and not feel bad about it. he got me! I've never meet someone that I "clicked" so much with in till i met him. Everyone around me thought that our friendship was so stupid, because we never met, i really didn't care. Somehow we started to fall apart, a lot of things happened, very stupid thing that where meaning less and that took someone that i loved so much away from me...i did meet him before we stooped talking... but it nothing like i expected...
We are "friends" now but we don't even talk. he will always have a special place in my heart. I've moved on, it has been almost 2 year and since then I haven't found anyone like him.
I can although say that the last 2 years have been quite shit, that's probably why it took me so long to get over him. Having someone there when you most need its amazing ! But when they leave it hurts so much! and it makes everything that was hard before a million times harder.
so yes I've been in love and it was awesome, no he didn't love me back. It wasn't meant to work i guess.
I want to fall in love again but this time I want it to work. when your life is complicated falling in love is dangerous. But it may be worth the risk...

my dream

today has been a weird day.... i keep pushing people away from me. i dont want to leave my bed, my friend asked me out and i just made a crazy excuse not to go. I'm pushing everyone away. the thing is i dont know how to act any other way. i've been feeling sad for a long time, i've stop expecting good things to happen.
I had a dream, it was really weird, it was me walking around a beautiful house when everyone was a sleep. I started crying in the dream . not because something bad happened by because in the dream while I was walking around the house all the people I love where  there just sleeping so peacefully. when i started crying they all woke up and hugged me... it was so simple but it made me wake up so happy.
i've realized over the last couple of year that the most important thing in live is to have people around you that love and care for you. i've although realized that finding people that truly love and care for you, and are always there is extremely hard. when your someone like me that is very unstable you need people around you, everyone does. The thing is everyone has been leaving me, without a warning or anything one day they just decide they are tired of me and they leave. i just want people to stay.... but they never do, i've been trying to learn who to deal with the fact that they all leave, and that right now i have no one, but it's been very hard...

Some days I really don't know how to feel... I just feel sad.  I'm not even really shore if it's sadness or I'm just feeling empty... there is just so many things going wrong in so many ways,.. people keep telling "EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE" put  nothing seems to be happening.... I hate school, I don't have any friends, my family is so fucking complicated.... I'm just so tired and done... nobody seems to care ether...   I know that there are so many people with real problems that deserve more attention but... I think I just wanted someone there for me...
the last 2 year just killed me... i lost everything and everyone I loved, and I'm trying! I really i'm trying to stay positive but its really hard! I just want 1 good thing to happen... something that will make a difference..